ANANSE NTONTAN

"spider's web"

symbol of wisdom, creativity and the complexities of life

An adjective I use to describe myself is creative. When I was younger, I began writing poetry that was spurred months after my seventh grade English teacher introduced on this genre. I clearly remember the topic: love. At that time the only love I knew was my love for the New York Mets. Needless to say, I did not hand in that assignment but before the end of the term, I did write a poem entitled Love Is Like. I showed it to Miss Kalt who remarked how impressed she was particularly with the line:

Love is like a sidewalk

Some treasure it, others walk all over it.

Through the years, I continued writing poetry as I was inspired by what my eyes witnessed and heart felt. There were poems that were dedicated to the homeless who accompanied me on train rides, about a catcher for Major League Baseball, experiences of being a mother of a baby who is now 15 years old as well as remembrance to my other son (who did not live past three and a half months) wondering what his firsts would be, and finally a plea for someone to help her escape a life of repeated rapes by the man she called her husband. It was my hope that one day, these poems would be discovered after I physically left this universe and they would be published. They weren't at least for now.

However, I did have writings published while I was in high school. I had participated and interned for New Youth Connections, a paper written for and by youth. It was here, I emerged from the shyness that semi-paralyzed me as a youngster in Canarsie. I had the chance to travel independently around the five boroughs of New York, ask questions of people that I probably would have never had the guts to do so before, and cultivate my interests in curiosity and research. The result were nine published articles, including one that appeared in two books.

When I got married and became a mother, the writing waned. There was probably much on my mind that I could write about but I was more concerned with survival. I became the sole bread winner at the suggestion but more like the force of a husband who would not work and provide for his family. There were so many excuses of why he wouldn't, which I later learned is just a part of his character. He grew up in a family dependent on public assistance. Something, I was determined not to let happen for my own children. They deserved better and opportunities but also needed to know "nothing is free in life."

Something, I learned early and never had a chance to practice growing up much less married. The years of 19-28 were oppressive in so many ways. I lost my identity at a time where it should have been cultivated. I could not finish college when he observed I was thriving and educated on ways of living--without the abuse. In other words, without him. The hardest was not being allowed to be the mother I envisioned my role as one would be. Eventually, I was given a diagnosis of depression and post traumatic stress disorder--it's effects still linger today. If there isn't some kind of chaos, I am bored out of my mind. However, I am getting better and learning how to manage these symptoms now that I have much more peace in my life.

This new found peace and freedom has been a blessing for this restless soul. I am tapping into my creative side again. Not only am I writing more, but turning ordinary objects into art that decorate my apartment. For instance, I turned my butterfly earrings collection are now hanging above a window sill garden I created, prepare at least two meals a week that I make up as I go along, and manipulating the many photos I have taken into collages, bookmarks, and wall art.

Freedom allows one to do many things they wish and yearn to do. Some remain anonymous, while others become famous. I think I am somewhere in the middle. I do wish for my legacy to live forever but that may be hard to achieve as there are so many people of greatness in this world and sure many more to follow.

Change: Yes You Can

I am not fond of politics. Heck, I didn't even cast my first vote until years after it was legal for me to do so. This is probably why members of my immediate family made snide comments on my acceptance to an invitation to join the thousands who who were in Washington, DC on January 20, 2009. His/herstory is made everyday but rarely does one have an opportunity to be a part of it firsthand. How could I say no? Even though, it meant boarding a bus a midnight, sleep not guaranteed, and wintery day I was going to be a part of something great.

For the most part, that election year I paid close attention to what was being said and promised by each of the candidates. Mostly because, I was angry, bothered about the previous administration's tactics and could not accept another four years of (excuse me for saying) B.S. Others figured I would support Hilary Clinton,mostly because she and I resembled each other in gender and race however, I did not. Partly, because we already had her husband in power and I was sold on the "change" Obama promised.

In my 37 years, I have lived through many different experiences that changed me for the better as well as the worse. As you, the reader, reads through my posts you will learn what they are, as I have nothing to hide. In fact, I share my story for therapeutic purposes but also to help others know that they are not alone in a world filled with billions. If it can help just one person, then I fulfilled my mission. Much like a politician, I am in it for myself but just not to reap the millions in dollars or accolades that come with the power.

I will admit since I witnessed the oath of presidency, I haven't paid much attention to him since as I said earlier, I am not interested in politics. Soon after, I made a list of what kind of change I wanted to incorporate in my own life and how I would go about it. For starters, it would to be (finally) graduate college despite previous failed attempts, but did that May. Also on that list was to travel by bus with my son around the country to baseball stadiums. That summer, we visited Chicago, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston and Washington, D.C. And finally, figure out a way to get out of a romantic relationship that was tearing me down but more of that in a future post. This, was the challenging of the three.

In the last six months of 2010, I plotted and embarked on even more changes that took resourcefulness, endless energy and courage. I did leave that relationship as well as family members behind who were unaccepting of the changes I would soon make. I left the only place I have ever know for another I hardly and still getting to know. What I found, finally feels like the home I have always wanted. Little by little, as I am become acclimated to this place as I am shedding the years of the good and bad of New York. As crazy as it sounds, I also resigned from a job I once loved passionately when I realized that if I were committed to making changes this had to be on the list too. Fortunately, I am still able to remain in touch with some folks who have touched my lives in very meaningful ways.

People Need People

Yesterday my patience and tolerance level was tested once again while I was enroute to meet my son for our weekly therapy session. I had already waited more than a half hour in the cold, for the second bus I needed to complete the trip. It finally arrived, it was packed but fortunate enough to get a seat. Then my phone alerted me to a call. It was my son's school wondering where his pick up was-transportation previously scheduled days and just confirmed hours before I left the confines of my warm apartment. I had learned the company who was contracted cancelled. Yet neither they or the reservation company failed to notify me or the school to say so. Normally, an incident like this would automatically raise my adrenaline but maybe the fact I was cold, on a bus full of strangers or I was just plain tired to fight it I let it go for the moment. Then I got off the bus and waited another half hour in the cold to return back home $5.00 poorer to where my son would be waiting without anyway in the house as he did not have his keys.

As I stood at the icy bus stop, I then made a series of phone calls, asked questions then lodged my complaints against both entities. Now you're wondering what's going to be done about it? Probably not much, but a long time ago, I learned how oppression rears it's ugly head even in one's family. Having a child with a disability, is an already trying experience but if you're (like myself) a woman without a lot of means you're almost forced to enter a world full of bureacracy when seeking services. If I had stayed quiet, (or in another words did not learn the craft of advocacy) I am almost certain life would be much simpler accepting everything at face value. However, I did not because there's a reason why services for people with disabilities, disenfranchised folks and marginalized people exisit because they are needed--and it creates jobs for others. Getting and keeping them sometimes is all about knowhow as well as one's very means of survival. It's people such as myself, and those before me such as today's honorees, Rosa Parks, James Miller Baxter, Jr., Dr. Winona Lipman, The Pullman Porters and countless others who make sure one takes a stand against and does something about these injustices. And as I have been inspired to do, is create programs that fill the void. But first, I need to come up with a plan. Donations of time and resources will be generously accepted.