ANANSE NTONTAN

"spider's web"

symbol of wisdom, creativity and the complexities of life

An adjective I use to describe myself is creative. When I was younger, I began writing poetry that was spurred months after my seventh grade English teacher introduced on this genre. I clearly remember the topic: love. At that time the only love I knew was my love for the New York Mets. Needless to say, I did not hand in that assignment but before the end of the term, I did write a poem entitled Love Is Like. I showed it to Miss Kalt who remarked how impressed she was particularly with the line:

Love is like a sidewalk

Some treasure it, others walk all over it.

Through the years, I continued writing poetry as I was inspired by what my eyes witnessed and heart felt. There were poems that were dedicated to the homeless who accompanied me on train rides, about a catcher for Major League Baseball, experiences of being a mother of a baby who is now 15 years old as well as remembrance to my other son (who did not live past three and a half months) wondering what his firsts would be, and finally a plea for someone to help her escape a life of repeated rapes by the man she called her husband. It was my hope that one day, these poems would be discovered after I physically left this universe and they would be published. They weren't at least for now.

However, I did have writings published while I was in high school. I had participated and interned for New Youth Connections, a paper written for and by youth. It was here, I emerged from the shyness that semi-paralyzed me as a youngster in Canarsie. I had the chance to travel independently around the five boroughs of New York, ask questions of people that I probably would have never had the guts to do so before, and cultivate my interests in curiosity and research. The result were nine published articles, including one that appeared in two books.

When I got married and became a mother, the writing waned. There was probably much on my mind that I could write about but I was more concerned with survival. I became the sole bread winner at the suggestion but more like the force of a husband who would not work and provide for his family. There were so many excuses of why he wouldn't, which I later learned is just a part of his character. He grew up in a family dependent on public assistance. Something, I was determined not to let happen for my own children. They deserved better and opportunities but also needed to know "nothing is free in life."

Something, I learned early and never had a chance to practice growing up much less married. The years of 19-28 were oppressive in so many ways. I lost my identity at a time where it should have been cultivated. I could not finish college when he observed I was thriving and educated on ways of living--without the abuse. In other words, without him. The hardest was not being allowed to be the mother I envisioned my role as one would be. Eventually, I was given a diagnosis of depression and post traumatic stress disorder--it's effects still linger today. If there isn't some kind of chaos, I am bored out of my mind. However, I am getting better and learning how to manage these symptoms now that I have much more peace in my life.

This new found peace and freedom has been a blessing for this restless soul. I am tapping into my creative side again. Not only am I writing more, but turning ordinary objects into art that decorate my apartment. For instance, I turned my butterfly earrings collection are now hanging above a window sill garden I created, prepare at least two meals a week that I make up as I go along, and manipulating the many photos I have taken into collages, bookmarks, and wall art.

Freedom allows one to do many things they wish and yearn to do. Some remain anonymous, while others become famous. I think I am somewhere in the middle. I do wish for my legacy to live forever but that may be hard to achieve as there are so many people of greatness in this world and sure many more to follow.